Blessed be the Lord my Rock

Well here I am on the blog, starting all over again. I am sad I lost all of my old posts, I think I could have been encouraged and touched all over again by reading my thoughts from when I was out there doing the work. But the great thing is that I was changed, and no hacker or anyone can delete that! I had the amazing privilege to work with street children, and former street children, to live with them and love them and see God change them and let God use me to help them. I remember before I left on my 3 month trip to Bolivia, I was a mess! I’m still a mess, but a better one now . I was so caught up in thoughts about me, and my life, and kind of felt good for nothing. I mean, well yeah… I tried to make myself organized and responsible, and professional and mature and blah blah blah. I stink at it and I wasn’t very happy. It’s hard to be confident and content when you have no job, no husband, no car, no new private apartment and no drawn out plan for the future. I mean I finished college and everyone else was doing it! People have no idea, but those friendly, well-meaning questions of “what are you doing now?” can really freak you out when you are not getting much done and wanting to do so much more.

Well, enough of that, I did go on the trip and I was changed. I had ups and downs, and really, really hard times when I doubted and pushed myself, and wonderful times when I saw God’s beautiful hands working. I still remember my first weekend working at the girl’s home. They were so mean and hurtful and rude. I had no idea how I could ever help these girls when I couldn’t even get myself to like them! But at the end of my trip, when I went in the girl’s room to give them one last hug goodbye, some of them had tears in their eyes kissing me goodbye. And it was a hard time, and many days I still didn’t like them, but I loved them so much, and God used me! 

I think the biggest lesson I learned while in Bolivia is that God works on you while you are busy working with others, and helping others. And that I will always be a failure, we live in a fallen world (that darned Eve ) but God is the one that works with us. When we let Him use us, we will be absolutely amazed and what we can do together!  In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul talks about being so frustrated about his own failures, “a thorn in [his] flesh,” and pleading with God to take it away, but instead God tells him :  ”‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in  weakness.’”    How amazing! His power works perfectly with my weakness!… So I’m gonna be like Paul: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

All I have is my heart, and a big passion that sometimes I feel will make my heart burn right out of my chest. And now I’m back at home, without a fancy job, car, money, or clear direction, and still pretty frustrated with myself at times. But I pray every day, many times a day, for God to use me, to let His power rest on me. And I know that He will! Meanwhile I’m trying to be useful here, in the place and season I am in and I’m enjoying it. I’m hoping to go back to Bolivia and finish the work we started but I’m not sure when and for how long. I also want to go to graduate school at some point, but I don’t know when that will happen either. I also have love for other places and people and I could go all over the world! I think I get excited about a different place and it’s people each week! Haiti, Romania, all over Africa… I have so much love I want to give! And meanwhile I am here! I am working with the youth group in my own church and I want to start volunteering with an organization that works with former victims of the sex trade right here in Atl, but right now transportation is kinda hard, but I know God will provide!  And working here and there (God is good to me! ) I know direction will come!  In Isaiah 55:9 God tells me that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thought higher than my thoughts, so whatever I may be trying to work out, His amazing plan is a million times better.

Right now I am at home, preparing and anxiously expecting the day God shows me the next step. And I say:

“Praise be to the Lord my Rock
Who trains my hands for WAR,
my fingers for BATTLE.” – Psalm 144:1

-Roxana

Goodbye! :p